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I wrote a post on Sunday.. well actually very early on Monday morning. When I wrote it, I was in a very dark place. I know that what I wrote was the TRUTH, but I didn't accept it for myself.
For days the enemy of my soul has been whispering his lies into my ears. I've been down this road before and I thought I was strong enough to withstand... and I did.. for a while, but then I slipped.
Let me explain, in my post of Monday I told you that I sometimes slip into the trap of comparing myself to others in a not so favourable way. For a few days I'd been sort of bombarded with the images and thoughts of others on beautifying yourself, your home etc. In comparison, I felt dis-organised, shabby, frumpy.. ugly. Here were all these wonderful people talking about how to keep yourself attractive for your husband, how to make your home a haven and I had zilch going on in any of those areas.
I went back down that awful path of second-guessing my attractions, abilities and accomplishments. I allowed myself to be dragged down a dark hole where all my fears and insecurities dwell.
Can I keep my husband's interest when I never have the time to take care of myself? I have a hard time balancing things as it is.. I stare at my chipped toe-nail polish every day and think.. nah, I have more important things to do....and I do! There are hardly enough hours in the day. Some days, no matter how hard I try, I cannot greet him at the door with a sweet smelling body and a smile.
I did the whole pity-party thing. 'It's not my fault that I can't look good for him, we don't exactly have a maid.. that would be ME'. and 'The girls need things.. I can hardly go buy myself something new and pretty.. no matter how much I may want to...and I DO!' I do want to be pretty for my husband.
Do my husband and my family look around and think that our home is a haven? Are they happy to come home? Most days its all I can do to get a meal on the table and maybe run a couple of loads of laundry through. Its a challenge to keep a clean house with a four year old, even if I don't count in the time I spend running errands and chauffeuring the children. Let's face it, by the time I've faced the traffic to get them home from school.. I'm frazzled and low on energy. I'm barely keeping it clean but I do, I DO want a pretty well-kept home!
The truth is.. I had a melt down... I ended up a crying heap of flesh, pouring out my woes to my husband. Want to know how his words ministered to me?
First of all, he said to me, yet again, that he doesn't care how the house looks... he's just glad to be home. (I happen to believe this because after 21 years he still doesn't quarrel with anyone about their untidiness.. I'm the nag around here!) This house, as crazy, messy and noisy as it is.. is home, his haven from the outside world.
Secondly, he said to me, yet again, that he doesn't care about whether or not I'm clean and pretty when he gets home. He does care about the smile though.. he's just glad to have me greet him and to be coming home to me. Its really tough to believe sometimes that he thinks I'm beautiful.. not when I look at what I've allowed myself to become, not when other people constantly remind me of how important it is to keep myself attractive to him and that men are visual. MEN ARE VISUAL.. what a vision I am most days. Yet, he says that it doesn't matter to him.
He also said, in response to me saying that I had to stop the blog because I couldn't balance things, that what I do here is important because I am witnessing to God and ministering to others and that he doesn't want me to stop doing it. He even offered to help me with whatever he could so that I could have the time to write. Don't I have a wonderful husband? How truly blessed I am.
I feel a lot better now, especially since my Lord has also ministered to me and convicted me with the TRUTH and not the lies I've been blinded with.. yet again. Isn't it strange how our old weaknesses remain.. hidden in the shadows.. with the enemy waiting for us to have a weak moment to pounce on them and drag them out? I plan on writing more on this in another blog.
I mentioned in another post about the weekly biblical passage my husband and I use to meditate on and that this week we got Psalms 138 and 139. Each time I read them I get something pertinent to my current situation and this was no different. As I read it again, this jumped out at me..
Psalm 139:14 "For so many marvels I thank you; a wonder am I, and all your works are wonders". This is from the New Jerusalem bible. Other bibles phrase it differently but it means the same:
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn't make anything that isn't good. He further reminded me that I cannot give of myself and believe that self to be unworthy.
With all this going on, with trepidation, I opened a blog by my friend Traci Michele entitled '26 ways to feel pretty A to Z'. I wasn't sure I wanted more reminders of what I'm NOT doing. I thought it was a repost of something she's done before but I was so pleasantly surprised to find a whole new twist. This isn't about looking pretty, but feeling pretty. I so need that right now!
So, head on over to Traci's at:
Look up her post entitled '26 ways to feel pretty A to Z'. I'm sorry my links just don't seem to be working.. my hubby's promised to look at it.
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed with all that's going on around you? Do you sometimes question your value or the value of your purpose? If you have any insecurities (and who doesn't?).. this word is for you.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. As Traci Michele points out.. do not compare yourself to others. Do not fall into the trap of feeling that you are less because you cannot do more, or that you should be doing it better. You have to work with what you have and do the best you can.. leave the rest up to Him.
Today I'm praising God for words of wisdom from a wonderful husband and inspiring friends and I'm once more committed to shining right where I'm planted, using just what I have.
God's blessings to you and yours!
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