On April 5th 2002, I lost a precious soul to Heaven. I was only three months along, but it is an experience I can never forget. This post is in remembrance of that precious baby, whom I named Michael, after the Archangel himself, as my little baby fought valiantly like a true warrior for his life. (I know its quite likely that it was a baby girl.. since all my others are girls, but this name just felt right when I was prayed with at the time).
When I discovered I was pregnant in early 2002, I wasn't feeling joyful at all. I was an overwhelmed, over-stretched mother of three school-aged children. I was heavily volunteering at their schools, had no help at home and continued throughout the pregnancy to do everything myself. This shouldn't be abnormal to most women, but I had a history of spotting during pregnancies. I should have taken the warnings of those spots seriously, but I continued to do everything I usually did.
I am ashamed to admit that my heart was heavy. I was already laden with responsibility and couldn't see how I could cope with more. Instead of laying my burdens on He who understands and tells us to (Matt 11:28) I turned inward and was full of self-pity and resentment at being asked to shoulder more burden. I know now that I had placed God in the backseat of my life and filled my days with activities and chores and everything else. Perhaps if I had remained close to God, things would have been different.
I didn't connect with this baby in love and joy. To this day, I wonder if that little innocent child felt my rejection and didn't want to be brought to light.. or if God Himself saw that I was unfit to mother this little soul and so He took it back.
The guilt I felt was tremendous. In the beginning I was in shock and pain and I would not accept that I was losing the baby. I kept praying every prayer I could think of. Even when I eventually got to the hospital and the doctor showed me the ultrasound picture with the baby detached from the placenta, I still could not believe it and didn't want to do the D&C that was necessary to clean my womb. Even after the baby slipped out while I was in the bathroom, I was still numb and in shock and failed to understand the great importance of what had just happened to me... that little body, only about four to six inches long, got flushed down the toilet. It seemed surreal.. it wasn't really happening to me at all.
That night, however, I awoke in the middle of the night, in the grip of a terrifying nightmare... one which turned out to be real. My numbness was shattered in an awful scream which panicked my husband. I could finally cry and grieve for this loss. Now that the baby was gone, I saw what a precious gift I had lost and I desperately wanted it back. My shame was so strong.. I knew I had let this infant and the Almighty down.
For months after, into the next year... I prayed to get pregnant again... I prayed for that little soul to return to me. God, in His infinite wisdom, did not answer. I believe He saw how much I needed to be perfected. I came to accept that and began to pray for Him to not let me become pregnant until I could be a better mother.
As time passed, I began to believe that I would not be getting pregnant again. Perhaps the Lord had decided that I had enough children. Let me interject here that my husband and I have lived lives open to life as we believe that is what God wants of us.
It was quite a shock to discover, after five years had passed and my youngest was now ten, that God had placed another soul in my womb. His timing, however we might look at it, is always perfect. He has a plan for my life and I remain open to wherever He takes me. I don't know if He wills for me to have more children or not... I have already had four c-sections and therefore there is risk involved. As I get older, it would be more difficult, but never again will I close my mind and my heart to a child that is placed in my womb.
So, this is for Michael.. my perfect little soul in Heaven. I believe he looks on at us, perhaps he prays for us and intercedes for us with God. I may not have shown him love while he was here, but I knew after he was gone that I did love him. See you in Heaven someday my precious.
If you or someone you are close to have gone through this loss, know that God does what is best for us. He always acts in love and compassion. Surrender your situation into His hands and pray for the Grace and strength to discern His will and to accept it.
I wish you all God's abundant blessings ...
Love and shine brightly for Jesus!
My precious last born daughter (quite the charmer.. precocious and a bundle of energy!) I thank God for blessing my husband and I with her.