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Monday, August 6, 2012

Another Season...Lessons from the Valley

My dear friends…it has been quite a while and I have had a very eventful summer so far.  Let me fill you in. I wrote this post last month and I had some shockingly exciting news. Today’s post is about yet another season…another valley in the shadows.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..."

Last week, I discovered that I had lost my baby. This was no ordinary miscarriage though. I began spotting and over the weekend the bleeding became heavier so I called my GP. He arranged for me to see an Ob/gyn on Monday.

The scan revealed that there was no baby at all.  The amniotic sac was empty. What?! Did this mean that I had had a false pregnancy? No, the doctor assured me that there had been a baby, but that at some time in its development, it had just stopped growing and was expelled.  I had spent the weekend eating myself alive with worry that I could be losing my baby and there wasn’t even a baby to grieve!

I cannot begin to explain how confused, shocked and traumatized I was at this news. I wasn’t even thinking clearly at this point. In some weird place in my consciousness, I was GLAD that I didn’t have to look at a dead baby on that screen…the memory of the last miscarriage, which I had ten years ago, is still vivid. That moment when the screen showed clearly that my baby was no longer attached to the placenta and was, in fact, dead was a moment of the deepest despair as I let go of the fragile hope that it was all just a strange hiccup in my pregnancy and that all was well.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul"

To cut a long story short, the doctor induced labour to rid my womb of the placenta and sac. My friends, I have had the pain of miscarriage…which to my memory lasted only a couple of hours. I have never experienced labour and I must commend all of you who have endured this to bring forth your precious babes.

 For my part, I endured without the prospect of a beautiful babe at the end of it and it was the most torturous thing I have ever endured. The agony was two-fold, physical as well as emotional. I thought of our Lord’s passion as I began walking this threshold of pain, but soon no coherent thought would form in my mind for hours.

Many of you, I know, have experienced pain and suffering of all kinds, loss and grief. Our journey here on this earth is filled with peaks and valleys, highs and lows…all with the single purpose of ascending that final mountain to our loving Father’s arms.

Sometimes we are tempted to question God’s purposes…when we are in the darkest of places we sometimes feel all alone. This is far from the truth because He is never far from our sides. I just love the well-known poem “Footprints in the Sand”. 

It illustrates so clearly the truth…the reality…that when we are at the end of our strength, He is there carrying us. When we feel alone, abandoned, despairing…He is actually lifting us, comforting us, loving us. If only we could see clearly with our spiritual eyes when we are in these dark valleys of life. If only we could remember not to turn inward but to look up.

"For yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  I will fear no evil for thou art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me."

Many times throughout the last few weeks, I have failed to look upward. Many times, I have questioned, wondered out loud and allowed my thoughts to roam far from Him. From the moment I discovered that I was pregnant, I have wondered where God was leading me…what His purpose was. I have wondered what the cost of my obedience would be.

 As I ponder this, I know I have a lot more to share and I hope that you will come back tomorrow for the rest.  God is almighty! We are not to question His ways…and yet

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Kristin Bridgman said...

God will bring you through this valley and while He is, you know you've been in my prayers.
I wish I could hug you but too many miles and too much water ;) This will have to do {{{hugging}}} So glad the miles and water do not stop our prayers!
I love you friend!

bluecottonmemory said...

I am so sorry for your loss - I lost a little girl half way through the pregnancy - she died the week my dad who never saw my sons died. What turned my mourning into dancing is that she is in Heaven - a princess already in the kingdom who will never have to walk through the trials and challenges here. I cannot wait to one day wrap my arms around her in a mighty hug. Praying for you right now! Praying for you as you mourn - and you need to mourn. We named our little girl Gracie, even though we never got to hold her.

Denise said...

Bless your precious heart, I am truly sorry for your loss. Praying for you.

Lisa Maria said...

Kris..I'm so very grateful for your love and friendship. I KNOW that your prayers went a long way to help me through this.

@bluecottonmemory...thank you. It was a blessing to visit your place and thanks for the reminder that our little ones are with the Father and will never have to endure earthly trial.

Denise, thank you.

Craig said...

Hey, I remember reading how excited you were when you found out. And it strikes my heart that you lost your baby – you lost your child. I'm not saying I'm sorry – because sorry isn't enough. I'm not saying I understand because I can't possibly understand. I just hurt. Maybe, somehow, in the cosmic balance of things, when we hurt for someone else is hurting, maybe somehow that lessens the load, maybe God works that way? I don't know. But know that I hurt for you – as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I just finished a prayer for you Lisa Maria. God bless and keep you!