Last week, I discovered that I had lost my baby. This was no ordinary miscarriage though. I began spotting and over the weekend the bleeding became heavier so I called my GP. He arranged for me to see an Ob/gyn on Monday.
The scan revealed that there was no baby at all. The amniotic sac was empty. What?! Did this mean that I had had a false pregnancy? No, the doctor assured me that there had been a baby, but that at some time in its development, it had just stopped growing and was expelled. I had spent the weekend eating myself alive with worry that I could be losing my baby and there wasn’t even a baby to grieve!
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul"
To cut a long story short, the doctor induced labour to rid my womb of the placenta and sac. My friends, I have had the pain of miscarriage…which to my memory lasted only a couple of hours. I have never experienced labour and I must commend all of you who have endured this to bring forth your precious babes.
For my part, I endured without the prospect of a beautiful babe at the end of it and it was the most torturous thing I have ever endured. The agony was two-fold, physical as well as emotional. I thought of our Lord’s passion as I began walking this threshold of pain, but soon no coherent thought would form in my mind for hours.
Many of you, I know, have experienced pain and suffering of all kinds, loss and grief. Our journey here on this earth is filled with peaks and valleys, highs and lows…all with the single purpose of ascending that final mountain to our loving Father’s arms.
Sometimes we are tempted to question God’s purposes…when we are in the darkest of places we sometimes feel all alone. This is far from the truth because He is never far from our sides. I just love the well-known poem “Footprints in the Sand”.
It illustrates so clearly the truth…the reality…that when we are at the end of our strength, He is there carrying us. When we feel alone, abandoned, despairing…He is actually lifting us, comforting us, loving us. If only we could see clearly with our spiritual eyes when we are in these dark valleys of life. If only we could remember not to turn inward but to look up.
"For yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me."
Many times throughout the last few weeks, I have failed to look upward. Many times, I have questioned, wondered out loud and allowed my thoughts to roam far from Him. From the moment I discovered that I was pregnant, I have wondered where God was leading me…what His purpose was. I have wondered what the cost of my obedience would be.
As I ponder this, I know I have a lot more to share and I hope that you will come back tomorrow for the rest. God is almighty! We are not to question His ways…and yet…