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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

More Lessons from the Valley

Today I will continue my ponderings of yesterday ...the lessons to be learned from my stay in the Valley of Shadows.

As I mentioned…I wondered from the moment of discovery, where God was leading me with this pregnancy. After four c-sections, I know that further pregnancies are risky. I’d been warned enough by doctors. There was fear, yet I had to trust in God.

I shared with my mother…who naturally was concerned for me, that I wondered if God’s purpose wasn’t for me to actually have a full-term pregnancy. Perhaps he was just testing my faith to see how obedient I would be.  At my age, there is even more risk for things to go wrong and I have had one doctor ask me if I would want to test for genetic defects. This is the way of the world! What would I do if something is wrong…abort it? If something is imperfect we discard it?  All life is precious to Him, imperfect or not!

Oh, how I questioned God’s purposes!

If He took me to the end, He would protect me…I trust in Him!   And yet…when I say “Thy will be done”, does that not mean I must also be prepared that His will could be that I sacrifice my life as well? What of St Gianna…? Is my fate meant to be the same?

Perhaps He was testing me to see if I would remain obedient and disregard any medical advice given to me to prove that I had faith in Him to deliver me and my baby safely through.

Now, I wonder if the true test was not in the acceptance of the pregnancy and the faith to go through it, but in what comes now. 

My friends, I feel so fragile and vulnerable at this moment…I am afraid of going through what I have already.  Fresh in my ears are the warnings of professional medics and the fears of family and friends and my own children imploring me not to put myself in this position again. Fresh is my own fear and doubt.

So, I do believe that the true testing of faith comes now. I can almost hear His voice saying “Now is the time to show your mettle. Do you listen to the voices around you or to mine? Do you stand firm upon your faith in Me, or will you give in to your human fears and weakness? Will you trust Me and my covenant with you…or will you crumble into the dust?”

I must saturate myself in His Word again...I must sink deep into Him to regain that deep faith and abiding trust.

Now, back to the valley of shadows...  the Lord is not yet done with my lessons...He would show me yet again how he is Jehovah Jireh.  

Tomorrow I will tell the tale of the Doctor…

Coincidentally, Jacinta at Growing Home is doing a series on Children are Blessings. I am finding much inspiration from the testimonies there.  Please visit her and be blessed by these beautiful stories of God's glory worked in the lives of women just like you and I.

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