Fairy Tale Part Two: The Honeymoon's Over- Reality Check

Little Princess is now disillusioned. Whatever happened to all she dreamed marriage would be? Who IS this man she married? He's changed so much. Prince Charming is thinking "Who is this shrew? Where's the sweet girl I fell in love with? Is this what marriage is?"

They've both ripped the signs they've been wearing off their backs and feel completely confused about where to go from here. This is dangerous ground they're treading. This is where the enemy starts sowing the seeds for the future.

Your mind is a fertile breeding ground for bitterness and resentment. As you start thinking about your spouse's faults, you stop seeing any good in him/her. You start setting the stage for "falling out of love".

So, what do we do to prevent this?  Firstly, we have to bear in mind that marriage is hard work. Love isn't just all those wonderful, warm feelings. Love is choosing to love even the unlovable in a person.. that's what unconditional love is. Love is working through our issues with the other person's well-being in mind. If you really love someone you want them to be happy. Loving is often sacrificial. You put the other person's needs above your own.

Think about it.. if both parties in a marriage hold this principle in their hearts, their marriage would succeed because each wants to love and sacrifice for the other. Conflicts would be resolved more easily because of a mutual desire to bring happiness to the other.

Easier said than done.. right? First of all selfish desire plays an important role in how conflict happens. Each person wants something... each one wants his/her needs to be met. This is where these key factors come in:

• Effective communication skills. Learning how to express yourself properly. Learning how to phrase things so they do not offend. Avoiding absolutes like "always", "never". Avoiding accusation, criticism. Speaking to each other in the right love language.  If you haven't read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman yet,  you should.
• Effective listening skills. Do you really LISTEN to your spouse? Do you allow him/her to express himself/herself without interruption. Do you tell him/her what you are hearing? Sometimes what we hear is not necessarily what was said. Ask him/her to clarify if you have it wrong.
• Reality Check - are your expectations realistic or not. Are your actions or desires selfish? Do they build your relationship/marriage or do they serve only yourself. Are you being intolerant or unreasonable?
• Examine your own motives. Have you allowed your pride to determine your actions? Have you allowed anger to cloud your good judgement? Are you avoiding dealing with a difficult issue?
• Sources of conflict must be dealt with, as soon as possible. 'Sweeping it under the carpet" only allows the issue to fester and become a silent, secret weapon to the enemy and a hidden deterioration is taking place beneath the surface.
• Remember to always be loving and kind to each other when facing down an issue that is a source of conflict. You love this person, you want him/her to be happy. If your actions or lack thereof is a source of pain to him/her, you need to acknowledge those feelings and come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
• Remember that you are also carrying your own baggage and you have your own needs... these need to be factored into the very complicated equation that is your marriage.
•  For husbands, very often a wife's unhappiness is taken very personally. Any expression of discontent is viewed as a personal failing and anger is a man's go-to emotion. Its the one he's most comfortable with. Stonewalling is his way of protecting himself while he sorts through his emotions. Men are wired to have iron control over their feelings.. losing that control isn't easy for them. Wives, as difficult as it is, we have to let them have their space.
• Likewise, women take any criticism of themselves as a sure indication that "he doesn't love me as I am", "I'm not good enough" and we have a waterworks that could flood an entire city! This makes our men feel worse about themselves because they have now made us CRY. We sometimes push them away when all we really want is for them to hold us and let us cry on their shoulder, listen to some affirming, loving words. Listen up guys.. a little peek inside the complicated mind and heart of a woman here!

Little Princess and Prince Charming had a long history of 'sweeping things under the carpet". Their communication skills were practically non-existent and they went through a cycle of  petty arguing, sweep-sweep, petty arguing, stonewall, cry... sweep sweep. You get the picture.

Luckily, though, by God's Grace, the love was kept alive. 

Little Princess had one simple principle.  She loved Prince Charming more than she cared about his clothes on the floor, the coffee cups, the disappointments. She had a motto which saw her through those times. Even though she DID allow herself to become bitter and resentful, God refused to let her sink so low into it that her love turned into ashes. She may have had 'meltdowns' but God didn't allow her to lose perspective.

 So, here's the motto .. highly recommended by a Little Princess for you:

THE ISSUES ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE RELATIONSHIP 

Now that we've dealt with how to handle disappointment and conflict, we'll next take a look at how to nurture  the relationship... keep those fires burning!

Until next time... let your light shine brightly for Jesus!

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Abiding In God

Today is link up day for the Good Morning Girls Summer Book Club at Living in the Word Wednesdays.

I have to say that,  with everything I've undertaken these past couple of weeks, the Reshaping It All Challenge and the 31 Days to Clean Challenge and now, this Summer Book Club... what I've learned so far in the bible passages we've had to read is SO APPLICABLE!

I have always loved this verse from Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." It is a reminder that if I remain  in Jesus, allow Him to be the source of my strength, my sustenance, I can do anything. Important to note though.. I can do anything  He wants me to do... not what I decide I WANT to do.

Our first two days' readings..

 Psalm 27:1 "If God does not build a house, in vain do its builders toil. If God does not guard a city, in vain do its guard keep watch" and

 John 15:4-5 "Remain in me as I in you. As a branch cannot bear fruit all by itself unless it remains part of the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine,  you are the branches. Whoever remains in me, with me in him, bears fruit in plenty, for cut off from me you can do nothing." New Jerusalem Bible

These two readings are, for me, reinforcing what I learn in Philippians. See that last part of the verse in John .. "for cut off from me you can do nothing". Does this mean I am helpless... no, I don't think so. I can do many things under my own strength and in my own wisdom, but will they be things that are bearing fruits of the Spirit, things that honour and glorify God.

I can do nothing, nothing that bears fruit,  without God. He is the source of my strength. I must abide in Him in order to be nourished and sustained by Him. How do I do that?

The King James version of the bible uses this  word 'abide' in place of  'remain' in the John 15 verse.  I happen to like that version a lot. The word abide has more punch to it. Here are some dictionary (Webster Dictionary) meanings for the word  abide :

• to endure, sustain, submit to
• to bear patiently, to tolerate
• to stay, to continue in a place
• to remain stable or fixed in some state or condition
• to acquiesce, to conform to

Perhaps, in relation to God, most of these apply. To abide in God, we must submit to Him, bear patiently whatever He asks us to, remain stable in our faith, acquiesce to His will. We cannot abide in God unless we are actively seeking Him and doing His will.

We also  have to avoid sin and the occasion of sin. We have to nourish ourselves with His Word and with prayer and exercise and strengthen our  faith muscles with acts of faith. Then we will truly abide in Him and we, the branches, will bear the fruit that He, the vine, wants us to bear.

I want God to be the center of all things that I do. I want everything I do to glorify and honour Him. If He is there, an integral part of all aspects of my life, I know that my labours will yield good fruit. If I stop to consult Him every day in prayer about where He wants to lead me, I know that He will always bless my efforts.


Lord, I thank you for your Word which promises me that when I remain in your love and do your will that I will bear fruit in plenty. May the fruit that I bear be pleasing to you,  honour and glorify you. May I always turn to you, the source of my strength and remember that, just as the vine sustains the branches, you sustain me and I can have no life without you.
Amen

Grateful and Blessed

This past week has been filled with many grace-filled moments as well as many tough things to ride through, but as always He is with me.. that will always be at the top of any thankful list I create.

191. So much love shown on Mother's Day.
192. A wonderful and generous sister's heart.
193. God's constant life lessons.
194. Clothes flapping in the sunshine.
195. Moments of clarity from the Holy Spirit.
196. His awesome love and tender forgiveness.
197. That His Hand is always there, leading and guiding.
198. My daughter being home from college for summer!
199. Wonderful heart to heart moments and girl talk!
200. That I am a SAHM and can care for the sick members of my family today!

A short time ago I wrote a post where I shared a video by Josh Groban. In that post I talked a bit about the darkness of depression and self-mutilation, bulimia etc.  When I wrote that post I had no idea how close to home a dark demon was pressing. I learned recently that when  I had shared this post and video with someone close to me, she had been dancing on the abyss, pressed by this unholy presence.

 I thank the Holy Spirit for the inspiration, for guiding and leading me to places I do not plan to go. I thank Him for the Grace to be obedient and I pray that I will always obey His promptings. By saying yes to the prompting of His Spirit we never know what good works He is able to accomplish.

 Praise God for He is Mighty and Awesome!

I pray that you will have the grace to be obedient to His promptings and that you will shine brightly for Jesus!

FairyTale Part One - Happily Ever After: Expectations

I want to tell you about a journey.. one that's far from over, in fact, its only just begun.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl, let's call her Little Princess. Her parents having both come into marriage with their own baggage, had not set a good example of what marriage should be. There was no open affection shown by them and she craved it desperately. She grew up feeling that she was unlovable. The only things she ever heard about were the things she did wrong, there was no affirmation.

You know how the story goes.. she meets Prince Charming, falls in love, gets married and expects to live happily ever after. Finally, someone LOVES her and accepts her. Unfortunately, both she and Prince Charming have brought baggage into their marriage too. They've both brought expectations and dreams and their perceptions of what it should all be about.

Little Princess has brought all her insecurities and low self-esteem. She's expecting her husband's love to make her feel better about herself. She's brought all her romantic notions of how love should be, all her young ideals. She's put her husband up on this pedestal and expects him to be the hero of her own personal fairytale romance. She's wearing this sign on her back that says:

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.. OR ELSE!

Prince Charming has brought his own baggage.. coming from a totally different background, he has different expectations.  He's brought his own anxiety about being a good  husband, fear of failure, his struggles with what being a man is all about since his own father was seldom at home. He's brought his own personal hang-ups and issues as well. His sign reads..

JUST MARRIED... NOW WHAT?

Have you ever noticed how a fairytale always ends with the prince and princess riding off into the sunset after their wedding? Hmm, methinks its because the real life fairytales end with the honeymoon.

That's when real life kicks in and romantic notions become just what they are... notions. These two people now have to learn to live with each other, they start seeing faults and flaws.. the pedestals come crumbling down and their rose coloured glasses get smashed.

Romantic love  has a way of making everything seem perfect..all those warm feelings and the joy in your heart seems to put everything in a soft, sweet light. The next step in your fairytale though is usually disillusionment as you start seeing the reality... your sweetheart is human and not really perfect at all. You start to realize that he/she cannot meet with all of your expectations.

Little Princess expected her husband to take care of things around the house the way her father did. He, on the other hand, never saw his father doing these things, so didn't. He believed that all he had to do was 'bring home the bacon'. She wanted him to show her respect and love by helping out and picking up after himself. She expected him to continue being romantic and showing her lots of affection, she wanted words he didn't say.

She wanted his love to complete her. She expected him to always want to be with her the way she wanted to be with him..in short she expected him to be her emotional crutch. She was determined to have a 'better marriage' than her parents. What were his expectations of her? How did she disappoint him?

Perhaps he expected her not to be so 'needy' since his own mother was pretty independent. Perhaps, he felt intimidated by all these  emotions she wanted to share. He was completely out of his element there, also coming from a background of very little physical affection being shown. His father wasn't  a 'talker'.Little Princess wanted him to open up and share his feelings, but that was against his nature and out of his comfort zone. He felt pressured.

Why was she so obsessed with how the house looked.. why did it matter so much if he didn't put his clothes into the hamper, or left his coffee cup on the counter. Prince Charming was used to being picked up after.. she was Miss  Uptight Put Everything In Its Place and he was Home Is To Relax and Not Stress About Stuff. He didn't want to be nagged about all these little things.. when did she become a nag anyway? So now they're married and she wants to control everything he does? She disappointed him and his expectations of her.

Disappointment has a way of creating a lot of hurt and resentment. 

Little Princess learned all this the hard way.. she, never having had a proper example of how married couples should solve problems, communicate and be tolerant, dealt with her disappointment with hurt feelings, angry words, confrontations. In return, Prince Charming reacted with his own anger, coldness and eventually freezing her out, putting up his protective walls.

This is where the enemy stuck his foot in the door..pride, ignorance, selfishness.. all tools he uses to systematically break down relationships.

This is where the testing of your love begins.. this is where the enemy starts his consistent attempt at breaking down your marriage. How you deal with these early days will make a huge difference to your future. 


In Part Two, we'll talk about the effective ways to deal with disappointment, disillusionment, conflicts and communication.

Hello friends, this is a little something I worked on today after attending a Marriage Preparation meeting last night.My husband and I have been asked to assist and these thoughts came to mind. I'd love to have your opinion so comment away!


Love & Blessings to all of you..shine on, shine strong for Jesus!

This post linked to:

Mary Must Shine!

Today is link-up day... accountability for the week's challenge. How have I done? Well, its been an eye-opening experience. I have discovered that, for me, I am receiving the most benefit from the Mary side of this challenge.

I have always been a 'Martha'. Stressing about getting chores done, having lists and lists and plans for doing things. I remember sitting in church one day and having the Lord tell me that I'm too much like 'Martha'. Well, fast forward many years and my life changed to the point where I CANNOT be like Martha too much anymore.

Having a baby with a 10 year gap between her and the former last child has been virtually starting over! All my previous schedules and order got thrown out of the window. I have had to re-evaluate myself and I find that with this challenge, re-evaluation has come again.

Today, we are dealing with priorities.. how do we prioritize our homemaking? One of the truths I discovered in my self-evaluation, examining my motives and purpose is that I do what I do because I love my family. They come first.. always!

What does this mean? Well, I make plans.. its good to have plans... but sometimes my plans aren't going to turn out the way I want. One of my children may be ill and need to be picked up from school earlier. My husband may need me to do something for him.  I have been known to become very irritable when my plans get shoved aside and I cant do what I had scheduled to do. I have complained about it in the past, become resentful that my needs are put last.

While 'Martha' is important.. I feel very strongly that 'Mary' needs to shine. As I said in my mission statement, I am the heart of my home. 

This is what I need to make MY priority.  I am renewed in my purpose and commitment to my family.
I must be joyful in my homemaking.. put heart and soul into it.

My husband and children, while they acknowledge that its nice to come home to a clean house, they feel most loved when I am smiling and spreading joy and love around. What an awesome truth.. and it couldn't have come at a better time!

With Mother's Day this weekend, I can look forward to celebrating my newfound joy in my role, in my vocation... and its a wonderful feeling!

On the Martha side of things... I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. My daughter is coming home from college on Monday and I've been busy cleaning her room up. I am proud of what I have done though. I managed to do the kitchen.. fridge etc. The tops of my cupboards took a lot longer because I also have some artificial flowers and stuff up there and vases and baskets that all were covered in grime and needed a good scrubbing. I did put a beautiful bouquet on top of my fridge and cleared off all the medications we kept up there. Only the necessary items (meds and vitamins) were left in a basket.

I must admit that its nice to look up and see that sunshiney bunch (yellow lillys) brightening the kitchen. Its made me realise that one little thing I add can make a difference.

Looking forward to the rest of this challenge. Thanks so much to Christin and Sarah Mae.. its been life-changing so far!

Hope you all have a really great weekend! Enjoy Mother's Day and celebrate the beautiful vocation that God has given to you. (Rest up.. next week could be challenging!)

Shine on, shine strong for Jesus!

Thankful and Blessed

Counting my blessings as I journey.. time speeding by... trials come and go.. hearts break and heal.. but always..
His Grace is Sufficient


171. That  "weeping may endure for the night, but JOY cometh in the morning"!
172. That His Grace is renewed each morning.
173. That He inspires me every day.
174. For Grace that gives courage to go where He leads.
175. For the constant work He does on our hearts.
176. That He never lets go...I'm firmly in His grasp.
177. For transformation and healing that's a constant work in progress.
178. For love.. faithful,  constant and unconditional.
179. For wonderful chats with daughters.
180. For caring relatives who I can depend on.
181. For the wonderful feeling of knowing I've helped someone.
182. For great advice and wonderful encouragement.
183. For convicting moments before the Lord.
184. That I am constantly amazed by His work in my life.
185. For 'splurging' with my girls.
186. Laughter and giggles and splashing water.
187. Uplifted spirits, joy in my heart.
188. New direction, Grace poured out.
189. Cuddling moments with my youngest.

and most of all..

190. My motherhood, my vocation.


HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! God bless you all!

Also linked to:

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Bouquets for God

Earlier this week I wrote my mission statement for the Homemaker's Challenge I'm doing on Sarah Mae's e-book 31 Days to Clean. In doing so, I searched for inspiration, some quotes, biblical reference, something that would be my motivational tool.


God had a big surprise for me.. not only did I find it, but it has put a whole new light on my vocation as wife, mother, sister, daughter. A whole new light on my purpose in life. As I examined my motives for being a homemaker and what my purpose is, I was reminded that God has always told me that my life is about LOVE. Everything I do is to be done with love!

With that in mind, I was led to St Therese of Lisieux, also known as "the little flower", a saint whose life embodied this principle. She considered her every action to be one she could offer to God. Everything she did was done with this in mind.. with love for God. She likened it to flowers being strewn along the way for Him.


What a lovely concept... that every action I do today and every day, if I do it with love and the proper motives, I can offer them to God. A big beautiful bouquet to offer to Him at the end of each day!


Within the poem below is all the elements that I strive to live by.. obedience to God, reliance on His provision, understanding that all I do is for love of Him and that I must give all of myself to the life and vocation He has blessed me with.

Upon reflection.. I believe that these elements are what make up our vocation as mothers.. especially the giving all of ourselves, relying on God to provide for us the strength we need, to fill us up when we're on empty. Our faith is the rock on which we build our homes.. with many of us relying on single incomes, we have to be good stewards of what our husbands provide.

We are lights to our children and spouses firstly. We are our children's first teachers and He calls us to lead them to Him.. like beacons.

Our homes are our altars, our work.. our prayers. We must sacrifice our own desires, needs and put our family's needs first. Our lives ARE oblations. If we could but see that doing all we do to the best of our abilities, we could be offering to God a huge bouquet every single day.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day my beautiful sisters.. may God shine His light on you and may you be truly blessed in your motherhood and in all that your busy life encompasses!

This poem is dedicated to you..

I knelt in church the other day

I bowed my head, I sought to pray

My thoughts they whirled in disarray

I couldn't find the words to say

But suddenly my heart it soared

His gentle voice.. it suddenly roared

I knew that words would not suffice

My heart the only sacrifice

Lip service... its all I give

If my heart cannot forgive

If I cannot love despite

If I do not do what's right

He gave His all for me and now

My all I must give somehow

Poured out as an oblation

My life, my heart, my vocation

He stretches out His loving hand

Be not afraid.. you will withstand

I am beside you all the way

Obey and follow, do not stray

Come my daughter, my little dove

Pour out all your life and love

Do all you do for love of me

Accept what I decide will be

All that you are and have is mine

Use it for my glory to shine

Do all that is pleasing in my sight

Go... shine forth...

Be my little light

Lisa Maria 2011

I'm linking this to Chats with an Old Lady