Hello there my friends. It has been quite a while. So much has happened and as I sit here writing this I'm still a bit overwhelmed by how life can spin in crazy cycles sometimes. The one thing that is true and forever unchanged is our God.
The lyrics to this song are very dear to me. I had wanted to share them with my mother in law before she died as I knew she was in her darkest hour but I never worked up the courage to. Now these are my own words as I have passed through the valley of the shadow of darkness myself.
Yesterday was the 40th day after the death of my mother in law and we celebrated Holy Mass in her memory, as per Catholic tradition. I just want to dedicate this song to her now and to ask the Lord to have mercy on her soul and pray that she rests in peace in His arms.
Now for the announcement:
I always say that the Lord has a tremendous sense of humour...or something! In an incredible, crazy, yet somehow perfect timing I found out that I was expecting a baby just days after we laid my mother in law to rest! Talk about shock! I don't know how my husband's heart survived it...hot on the heels of grief we were supposed to feel joy and excitement.
Truthfully, I was on an emotional roller coaster (hormones added...can you imagine?) I planned a blog post with the cute title of "The Lord Giveth, the Lord taketh!". I told my family with a determined sense of "I've got the faith to do this! Don't question it!" but I was really like jello inside...and then... I fell.
Now, for those of you who have known me for a while, you know that my husband and I have trusted in the Lord completely and
surrendered my womb to Him. You may also know that I have had four c-sections already and therefore this is a high-risk pregnancy. I also no longer have an ob/gyn since the first one died and the second one migrated.
Put all this together and I found myself in a web of fear, anxiety, depression and in a place that was far, far away from the One who sustains me. Other people were excited and happy for us and I just felt numb, just falling short of saying "Why God?!"
What an awful, dry and barren desert I've been in! Unable to pray, unable to get into the Word and purposefully staying away from His House in a mixture of self-pity and pride...yes pride! I worried about what people would think about this almost 45 year old woman being pregnant. I felt fat...nothing fit me anymore and it seemed as if overnight I was swelling up. Pride people! Awful, ugly sinful pride!
I put my own self before God and failed to trust Him!
Oh,I could make excuses about morning sickness and fatigue, a period of illness that required antibiotics and even the small window of opportunity to get online...but ultimately what weighed me down and kept me prisoner was SELF again!
Thank God for His Grace! He NEVER abandons us and keeps on pursuing His lost sheep.
The thing about our enemy is that he WANTS us to buy into the lie that once we're down we have to stay down. Did you ever notice that? When you're down he puts his foot on top of you and crushes you further with all sorts of mind games! Oh yes, the battlefield of the mind is as old as the history of mankind!
God reigns victorious though! Satan cannot have the upper hand!
I went before the Throne of Grace and confessed my sin...now I am free to be joyful, to trust in Him implicitly.
He has a plan...for me, for my husband, for this new little light in my womb. The world says we're crazy, we should have been more 'responsible', more 'careful'...even people close to me who are afraid for me have, in their fear, said similar things . I know I'll get my ear chewed off by the doctor who attends to my case, but
I DON'T SERVE THE WORLD! I serve an Almighty, All-Powerful and loving Father who knows what is best for me and my family.
My dear friends, I humbly ask for your prayers, for a good doctor, for my husband and I to have the strength, courage and faith to continue to be obedient and to abide in Him,despite our human weaknesses. Please pray for this little one to be born safely.
I want to thank all of the friends who knew of my situation and have been praying for me. I have so appreciated all of you and it has indeed been a barren time since I also abandoned my time online and ultimately denied myself your encouragement and friendship. I have truly missed you all.
May God bless each of you abundantly!
Thank you sweet Jesus for your infinite love and mercy, that though I don't deserve it, you always rescue me from the pit and lead me to peaceful waters, restoring my soul!
